First off I would just like to say that I will forever love and
miss my mother, there’s so many things I wanted to share with her that
in a physical state I can no longer do.
Things I know she will see
from heaven but will never be the same as if she were here with me.
One of the hardest times I think I will face is my wedding day, not
only because she’s no longer here with us but because I knew that she
absolutely loved my Fiancé Donald more than anything.. And I know she
wanted to see me marry him on March 20th..Which many of you
know is only 22 days away. She used to tell me how much she just wanted
to hold on for my wedding day and that anything after was up to God..
And that alone breaks my heart, although I see now that God had better
plans for her and in my heart I know she will be right there with me as
I walk down the isle to say I do to the man she adored.
My mother
and I also talked a lot about many other things she & I both would
have liked for her to have been here for such as being there when I
give birth to her grandchildren, seeing me get older, seeing my
accomplishments in life, sharing in more family holidays, and other
Mother-Daughter bonding times that we will now miss out on.
In
addition to that mother had many other things she wanted to see, do,
and say before she went to be with the Lord but her time was cut
entirely to short for that. She wanted to have more time with “Foot” as
she called him. He was her best friend for years and lover for 7 short
but meaningful months. David was there to help her cope with the loss
of her Husband, and he just meant a lot to my mother, she always said
how she didn’t have enough time with him…and that also brought me to
tears because I know how I would feel in a similar situation. David was
amazing to my mother and has been a blessing to my family during this
devastating time. So I would like to say thank you David, for
everything. Also I would like to say that My mother also wanted more
time with David’s grandbabies, she loved them a lot and wanted more than
anything to see them grow and to hold the newest addition Michael lee,
she saw pictures though and Katie she said he was amazing. Luke was
another child my mother loved more than anything she babysat him from
the time he was born until he was 1 ½ years old. And Flea she really
enjoyed the last time she saw him and was happy to be able to see him
before the good Lord took her to heaven.
I could go on forever about
the things my mom wanted, but that is something I will tell at a later
time, although one thing she did accomplish was getting saved. She was
saved days before she went to be with the Lord and that alone gave my
mother a lot of closure and assurance that she would be okay when her
time to go came, that also made my family rest easy. Mommy knew the
life she had led was far from perfect but she asked for forgiveness and
in Gods eyes that’s all that mattered.
During the last few weeks
of my mothers life I learned that she is by far the strongest, most
courageous woman I knew. She knew what was happening to her but she
took it and made the best of everyday she had left. She never let it
get her down in spirits.. Although at times she had her weak moments
and she would cry, but on a day to day basis she made the best of what
time she had left here on earth before her journey to heaven.
Although
she couldn’t leave the hospital to do things, she spent all the time
she could with family, friends, and other people who meant something to
her. You could hardly get her to rest because she just wanted to spend
time with family and friends instead of sleeping, although at times she
knew she had too and she did but not nearly enough. But she loved
everyone deeply and Im sure she will miss everyone until we are all
reunited in heaven one day and I know she will be there to greet us at
the gates.
Amazingly, my mother was very alert during her stay at
Memorial hospital, given a few hours the night before she passed away..
And she was also alert right before she went to sleep and went to be
with the lord. Which I am thankful for, I’m glad she didn’t have to
spend any of her time confused and unaware of her surroundings.. She
fought hard during her battle but unfortunately it wasn’t enough, God
was determined to have a new angel and he got just that, another
beautiful angel.
My mother will be greatly missed and loved for
many years to come, but we all know that she’s in a better place now,
and there is no more suffering. Watching her struggle was one of the
hardest things for me as a daughter and many of you as family members
and friends to watch. And now we can all rest easy knowing that she’s
in gods arms. Times like these are tough, but we all have to remember
that God has his reasons, many of which we don’t understand but we can
not hold grudges towards him we just have to believe that he needed her
more than we did, which is probably hardest for me because I needed
her too, but I cannot question his reasoning, no matter how much I
dislike it. We all just have to remember she is with us, in our hearts,
watching over us everyday. And that God will never put on us more than
we can handle, which is hard at times, but what doesn’t kill us only
makes us stronger right.
To end I would just like to say I love
you Mom, I miss you, and I will be seeing you again one day, until then
please be there to guide me along my journey in life and watch over me
until we meet again. I’ll be seeing you…
Monday, June 3, 2013
7 Blogs I wrote while Mom was sick and when she died.
7 Old Blogs from when I first found out Mom had Cancer to when she died. Dates 1/28/2010-2/22/10..
Blog 1: 1/28/10
I really dont know how Im suppose to stay positive at this point, I feel like everytime I try too, something just rips it all away. Im scared and sad all at the same time.
I just found out that my Mother has Lung Cancer at age 47, and its killing me. Idk what to do, like this isnt suppose to happen right now, Im only 20 years old and yes I know Im an adult, but Im still her little girl. And I still need her more than ever.
I havent had the time to show her what I can do with my life, I havent had the chance to have her grandbabies and have her help with raising them along the way. I havent had the chance to show her that I can be successful woman and that I can be a good ..and now Im scared she wont get to see that at all or that she will leave me right as I get started.. Im afraid she wont be here to help me like mothers do, Im afraid that my babies arent going to know their Grandma, and Im afriad that Im going to loose her more than anything.. I know shes going to see me get married but Im afraid she wont get to see my have a happy marriage and see me grow as a woman. Im afriad that Im not going to have enough time, Im afraid theres so many things Im not going to be able to say, Im afriad that Im going to need her and I wont have the option. Im so scared Im going to be alone.
I just lost my Stepdad(Uncle) in May (Yes he was my Uncle before he was my Stepdad, hes my Dads brother) its complicated but please dont judge me. Anyways, I lost him on Mothers Day 2009. We didnt have that great of a relationship but he was around my whole life, I lived with him from the time I was 2 till I was 14 fulltime. And I miss him terriably he helped my mother raise me and now hes gone, My father isnt in the best of health and b/c he doesnt take care of his diebetes I dont have much time with him unless he turns himself around as far as his alcoholizm is concerned if he doesnt then Im looking at maybe 5 years.. And now My mom on top of that, the 3 main people in my life.. I feel like Im loosing it sometimes. Idk what Im going to do if I loose all three.
My mother will by far be the hardest for me, but it seems she will be going first. I dont know how to prepare for this its very hard right now. Our relationship hasnt been the greatest in the last 7 years or so due to her being a alcoholic my whole life, and just when it seemed I had some hope at fixing that, I get the news that shes dying inside..I cant seem to stop crying and everytime I hear her voice I just cry, I cant help but think about this everytime we speak. Im not ready for this, Im not ready for her to leave me, Im just not ready… I dont wanna have to remimber what she looks like, I wanna see her, I dont want to have to remember what she sounds like, I wanna hear her, I dont want to have to remember what she feels like, I want to touch her. I cant do this.
Blog 2: 2/1/10
Well today I got the news I couldve gone my whole life without hearing.
Its hard, its really hard, but I know I have to stay postive for her and myself. My mother and I need as many prayers as we can get right now. I want to say thank you to those of you that have allready said youd pray and say thank you those of you who will. Im going to need it.
Today my mother told me that shes in Stage 4 of Lung Cancer, which is the last Stage :(
They told her she has 1 year at most if she doesnt take the treatment or if the treatment doesnt work. And 4 years at most if it does work. Its in-operable, which means they cant remove it, so this is what we have to rely on.
This news is something I never wanted to hear and Im scared, I couldnt imagine being without her allready. Nor would I have ever thought this would even be happening right now. I havent even had the chance to have babies yet or give her the grandchildren she wants to have. And what if it takes 6 months for me to get pregnant, when they arrive she may have allready gone to be with God. I know she would still see them, but it wouldnt the same. I cant imagine, this is so hard. Im drained emotionally, physically, and mentally with this. I cant eat, sleep, think, anything. Im hopeing for the best but at the same time I have to prepare for the worst. I hate this. Ive been praying and this still happens..And Why? Why her, why me? Why now? Not that it would ever be easier in that since but I never wouldve imagined this happening at 20 for me and 47 for her.
Ive just got to keep telling myself shes a very strong woman and she’ll make it. And I hope and pray that she fights like hell..and that she doesnt give up.
But Im all emotional agian, I dont think Ill ever be able to write everything like I want to but Ill try agian later. :(
Please pray for her. Please.
I love you Mom, more than anything…
Blog 3: 2/10/10
This is getting really hard, so yesterday I found out that not only does my mother have Lung cancer at this point but it has gotten into her blood and passed to her neck, groin, and Brain. The doctors changed her expected time left from 1-3 years to 2 months to a year.. I dont know what to do at this point everythings happening so fast, I go from thinkin I have a year to say and do all the things I wanted to possibly doing it before April. Which you all know is only a few weeks after my wedding day and my 21st birthday.. Im fortunate for her to see those things, but at the same time theres so much more I want her to see, I want her to see me be pregnant, have babies, I want her to spoil them rotten and be there when they want to see Mama, I dont want to show them pictures and cry because shes not around and b.c of how I wanted her to see them so badly..Even though I guess she will see them no matter what she will always watch over me but it wont be the same. Its hard to see people treat their mothers so badly and have them around when mines dying.. Its hard to think that I might not be able to call her when I accomplish things, I might not be able to call her for advice when I need it, I might not be able to share motherly things with her.. Like I want her to be the first to know that Im having a child when I read the positive results, I want to laugh with her about how my kids are going to be just like me and the times we shared as a mother and daughter. Its hard to think that my time with her is being cut short. I wonder if she knows how much I truley love her, does she know that Id give her my life if I could, that I would give my right lung to replace hers, that I would give my last breath so she could have just one more. Does she know that I appreciated her, that I am thankful she was there when I needed her, that I want nothing more than to die before her so I dont have to watch her do it. Does she know that Id take all the pain in the world so she didnt have to hurt? I just wonder, I dont want her to go, but at the same time I dont want her to suffer, if dying takes the pain away then Id let her, even though I dont want to be alone. Im not ready for this but I guess no one ever is.. I always want one more day. One more day to hug her, one more day to kiss her, one more day to tell her how much I love her.. no matter what I guess Id always want that. Its just ripping my heart out. Im so mad at god for trying to take her from me..I guess in the way that he is, she doesnt deserve to go through this.. What did she do wrong for her life to end in such an awful painful way? Why couldnt he make it quick and painless so she didnt have to watch herself waste away knowing theres nothing she can do to stop it or heal our pain. Why couldnt he do it a different way, I dont like crying myself to sleep at night knowing that shes holding on for me and that if I just said it was okay she could let go? Im so scared of whats happening to her, I cant imagine how she feels when she sees me cry and when she thinks about how Im crying for her and how she feels when she knows she had to leave me behind and she doesnt want to. Neither of us thought this would happen or at least so fast… Why? I guess thats my question. I just want to lay down and die with her so we dont have to be apart, I dont want her to be without me and I dont want to be without her, Id give my life for hers anyday…
Blog 4: 2/13/10
Well the last 3 days have been really rough for me. I spent Thursday night with my mother, She really needs me right now. Although its very hard to see her in this condition. I never really thought I would be doing this right now, but I know I have to.. Its time for me to show her how much I love her by returning the favor and taking care of her from this point on to repay her for all the things she did for me. I dont mind it at all its just rough. I hate seeing her be weak, unable to provide for herself, and have to depend on me. But at the same time it makes me feel good because I know she needs me and I know Im helping her be comfortable during this devistating time.
The other night I felt better because I had the oppurtunity to read her my previous blogs and share with her my feelings without completely breaking down, it seems its easier for me to read her my thoughts rather than getting caught up in the moment and having to stop due to being upset. It let me let her know how I feel and it made her feel better too. Although we both broke down when she told me all the things she wanted to do with me and everyone else before she goes to be in heaven. Mostly because I dont think she will get to accomplish those things and that alone kills me inside. I see her pain, and I see her want to do these things, and seeing her cry because she knows she cant rips my heart out.
It kills me to hear her say she will see my kids from heaven because she knows she wont be able to hold them or see them grow here on earth.. It kills me to know that she wont be in the waiting room when I give birth or be there to see me do it. Its kills me to hear her say she doesnt know if she will be able to see me walk down the isle to get married next month. And I really dont know how Im going to do that at this point. Im afriad Im going to get half way down the isle and drop to my knees crying because shes not there. I feel like Im loosing everything when I should be happy. Im not happy, Im so far from it. Idk what to do.
Everytime I see her pictures I think about how she was so beautiful and how she doesnt look like herself anymore, Im sad becuase her lung cancer has taken her voice away and Im not going to hear it like it was before anymore. Im afraid Im going to forget what she sounds like and what she looked like before this happend. Im afriad Im going to forget so much. Im afriad Im not going to remember the small things she did like how she used to scratch my back at night, she tryed so hard to do that the otherday and I just cryed. She put every lil bit of energy she had into it, for me. Im afraid Im going to forget how she smelled and how her hair looked before now. Im afriad of alot of things.
I cry myself to sleep everynight when Im not with her and I wake up crying for her. I dont know how to do this. Its so hard, and Im afriad Im going to go insane. I cant sleep at night, I cant work, I cant do anything.. All I can do is be there for her and it takes everything in me to not breakdown while Im there, but I knw it would just make her sad. And I want her be happy, nothing but happy while shes still here. But inside Im screaming, Im sick, and so far from okay its not funny. I dont wanna be with Donald, I dont wanna be with friends, I just wanna be with her. And Donald and them dont deserve that, but I dont know how to fix it. Im depressed…Im literally lossing my mind. I cant concentarate, I find myself stareing into space all the time my mind is in 39848 different places at once. And no matter what anyone says NOTHING in life EVER prepares you for this. Other family members can passaway and go and its sad and you cry, and your grieve for them.. but parents.. Thats a totally different ball park. Id rather see everyone else go all over again than to see her go…And thats all I can do is watch. I have to watch her die, I dont wish that on my worset enemy. Watching her die is by far the most devistating, awful, terrifying thing in the world.
And to any of you out there that dont have good relationships with your mothers, make it better now, dont waste anytime.. Make it better, trust me, your regret if you dont. I never EVER imagined this would happen, and many of you may not either. But take it from me, cherish your time, cherish your mothers. Let them know what they mean to you before its to late. ID give ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING to start over and do things right.Theres so many things I cant do now, so many things I wanted.. And I dont have option anymore. Just broken dreams. So please, dont take them for granted. You never what could happen tommorow. And for me one day soon tommorows never going happen agian. Theres not going to be anymore ”okay I love you mom I’ll see you tommorow“‘s or I’ll call you tommorow“‘s. One day Im going to say that and shes not going wake up. And it’ll be my last. And Im going to wonder if I did everything right the day before, if I gave her enough kisses goodbye, or if I said I love you enough or if I held her tight enough or If i mafe her last day perfect enough for her… So always ask yourself “what if tommorow never comes?.. Would she know how much I loved her?”
But I g2g agian. Im to upset.
Blog 5: 2/19/10
Well as many of you have seen on my Status’ Ive been spending alot of time in the Hospital with Mommy. Sunday will mark 2 weeks since shes been there. Shes been doing about as good as she can. Although its not good at all. I hate seeing her in this condition its really hard, but shes fighting to pull threw until the wedding in 29 days. After that she says theres no garentees. Which is hard, but I know that when she goes she wont suffer or be in pain anymore, and I know I will feel some sort of reliefe when it happens. Because I see that its getting harder and harder for her to eat and she gets choked alot, but she trys her hardest she doesnt want to give up. Her breathing is getting worse but shes doing treatments for that.. Shes lost about 25lbs in 3 weeks and thats hard to watch, but her body is weak. Shes becoming more and more limited in what she can do. It seems the short walk to the restroom is too much at times. I help her with everything though, and Im happy that I can be there to repay her for everything she did for me. I havent been breaking down nearly as much, as time goes by I think Im slowing accepting the fact that her life here on earth is fading. But I know she will live on threw me. Its hard to think of all the things shes going to miss, but I know she will still see it, she will be my angel guiding me threw this life God has planned for me. At times I think Im too weak to do this, but my Mommy raised me to be a strong woman and I know that Ive gotta get threw this and show her that her hard work payed off. Shes very proud of me and I am proud of her, shes a recovered alcholic and drug addict and seeing her overcome her stepping stones was great although I wish that once she had done that god wouldve given her more time to live the sober life, rather than taking life away, but God has his reasons and Im slowly accepting them, although I know this will never be easy, I will cry, I will greive, I will break down, I will have my times, but I know she would want me to be happy, and just remember the good times. So thats my main goal. Shes grateful for my soon to be Husband Donald, she adores him and he truley has been a blessing to me. I honestly dont know what I would do if I didnt have him there to pick me up when I fall or break down. Hes an amazing man that not everyone gets the oppurtunity to have and I do. God put us together a reason and I think that reason was mommy, I think God knew I was going to need someone like him to help me threw these times. He was there when I lost my Stepdad in May, He was there when my last relationship w/David got the best of me, and he will be there for Mom, and I know he will be there till the day I take my last breath. Im so thankful that God has brought him to me, I love him more and more everyday.. Hes been my stregnth, my sholder to cry on, my hope, my everything.
Back onto Mom, shes deffinitly my Hero, And I want all of you out there that may not have good relationships with your mother, to take a moment to think about how youd feel in my shoes, Im watching my mother die and I never thought this would happen to me. I regret alot of things, but it happens to the best of us. I think back to all the times I didnt treat her the way I shouldve and I think of all the times I couldve been there more and I wasnt, its hard to deal with. And I think people should take this and realize what “could” happen, They can go at anytime, dont leave yourself wondering if you did everything you could have, or shouldve done. Its the most painful thing. So dont waste time. Give everyday your all, like tommorow wont come, live everyday as if youd die tonight, let them know how you feel, forgive, and move forward. Dont wait until you have too, otherwise you’ll be missarable
And please keep Mom in your prayers. Thank you in advance.
Blog 6: 2/22/10 (Morning/Mid-Day)
Today I woke at 2:30am to go to the hospital to see my Mommy.. When I got there she was unresponsive for the most part and didnt recognize many people. I was scared to death and dropped to my knees at the sight. She had a machine helping her breath and I thought it was going to be over then.. When she did come too she was very aggitated and trying to pull out her cathater and IV’s…At that point she was strapped down.. Which was horrible to watch.. She just kept saying “stop” “please stop” ”leave me alone” and didnt want anyone around.. This alone was very painful for me. I didnt want to leave her, but I respected her wishes at the time. She went to sleep around 5 and shortly after at 7am I returned home to get some rest. She came too around 9am and was very alert and wasnt being aggressive anymore. She was asking for me.. So at 11:30am I got another call that I needed to come say my goodbyes to her..And the reason she was so irratable and out of it earlier that moring was becase her Left Lung had collapsed and she wasnt getting enough oxygen for her brain to function properly. When I got to the hospital everyone was there (Me, Donald, Mama, Bubbie, Faith, David, and Ceila) She was alert but in alot of pain and crying.. so we cryed together for a little bit and I told her that I loved her very much and that I would be there for her for everything and that it was okay for her to let go. Which were probably the hardest words but I know that they made her feel better.. She was very tired..So once she fell asleep I returned home agian, and decided to write this update..I just got another call that they are moving her to Hospice as I write this..She will be at Hubbard House in Charleston. So Ive got to go back very soon. But in Hospice I was told that she will most likely be unresponsive but yet comfortable. They dont want her to feel any pain at all and nor do I. She never deserved this, and I will be thankful when the good lord takes her in his arms and carries her to heaven where she will be happy, in no pain, and with her Daddy and others who have passed away that she loved.. She is fading faster and faster each day.. And its hard to watch.. Her breathing is shallow and with her right lung being all she has its difficult for her to get the oxygen she needs, shes suffering and I dont want that for her. She deserves so much better. Not to mention her Right lung is full of tumors making it more harder on her. Im not ready to let go yet, but I know I have to and I have to let her know that Im going to be okay. Even though at times I may not be. I asked the good lord to give her 25 more days to see my Wedding but I guess I didnt do it in time. And thats really hard for me, especially because I know how much she wanted to see me get married. She wanted that more than anything, But I know she will see it. I wanted that more than anything too. It breaks my heart to pieces but I wouldnt want her to suffer trying to make it. If shes ready Im ready. But I just got the call I have to go.. More later. Please pray god takes her peacefully.. :(
Blog 7: 2/22/10 (night)
Well its been a very very very rough past 24 hours. I posted a blog earlier about this morning.. And I believe at the end I said I had to go I got the call that she had made it to the Hospice House.. and I ended my last post..
Shortly after Daddy called and I was just telling him how I wanted to go tell her that I loved her one more time before they drugged her up and that I would call him and tell him how it went when I got time.. I left the house at about 7:30pm.. But when I arrived there at 7:54 I got the news that she was already gone.. She had passed about 15mins before I got there…
I cant explain the feelings that went threw my body, nothing ever prepares you for that news.. At first I just sat there and stared off for about 2 mins while it sank in, then I hyperventalated shortly after, and then I threw up for 5 mins. My body shook uncontrollably, I cryed, I couldnt breathe, I practically fell out of my car if it wasnt for Donald I wouldve, and finally after about 10 mins I had the strength to walk in.
When I got to the hallway, I didnt know which room to go to, but had a feeling and just walked where my heart told me too and sure enough I found her. Walking in and seeing her body was indescribable.. I just sat down beside the bed, grabed her hand, and cryed until I couldnt cry anymore.. I looked at her face, her hands, her nails & remembered how I had painted them just days before, I gently removed her earrings, kissed her forehead one last time, told her I loved her and walked away.
That was probably one of the hardest things in this whole world, but I know she loved me and I know she knew I loved her more than anything. Im glad she went peaceful but Im sad she had to go at all. I will miss her forever, And I love her forever. I will remember her everyday. Think about her everyday…
I cant help but thank about all the things I wanted all the things I’ll never have, She wont be here to watch her little girl marry one of the guys she loved most. She wont see her grandbabies, she wont hold her grandbabies.. I wanted that more than anything. I wanted her to see me do those things and now.. Its all gone.. I dont know how these next few days will turn out.. Its going to be hard to plan a wedding and a funeral. But Ive got to stay strong, keep my head up, and show her that her hard work raising me payed off. I know she was proud of me in so many ways, and I was prouf her.
I wish God couldve given me a few more days, but God has plans for her in heaven now and she will be my angel. I know she will watch over me and guide me threw my life, Im just going to miss her..
I LOVE YOU MOMMY forever and always. Rest in Peace <3
That was the end of my blogs.. :/
I really dont know how Im suppose to stay positive at this point, I feel like everytime I try too, something just rips it all away. Im scared and sad all at the same time.
I just found out that my Mother has Lung Cancer at age 47, and its killing me. Idk what to do, like this isnt suppose to happen right now, Im only 20 years old and yes I know Im an adult, but Im still her little girl. And I still need her more than ever.
I havent had the time to show her what I can do with my life, I havent had the chance to have her grandbabies and have her help with raising them along the way. I havent had the chance to show her that I can be successful woman and that I can be a good ..and now Im scared she wont get to see that at all or that she will leave me right as I get started.. Im afraid she wont be here to help me like mothers do, Im afraid that my babies arent going to know their Grandma, and Im afriad that Im going to loose her more than anything.. I know shes going to see me get married but Im afraid she wont get to see my have a happy marriage and see me grow as a woman. Im afriad that Im not going to have enough time, Im afraid theres so many things Im not going to be able to say, Im afriad that Im going to need her and I wont have the option. Im so scared Im going to be alone.
I just lost my Stepdad(Uncle) in May (Yes he was my Uncle before he was my Stepdad, hes my Dads brother) its complicated but please dont judge me. Anyways, I lost him on Mothers Day 2009. We didnt have that great of a relationship but he was around my whole life, I lived with him from the time I was 2 till I was 14 fulltime. And I miss him terriably he helped my mother raise me and now hes gone, My father isnt in the best of health and b/c he doesnt take care of his diebetes I dont have much time with him unless he turns himself around as far as his alcoholizm is concerned if he doesnt then Im looking at maybe 5 years.. And now My mom on top of that, the 3 main people in my life.. I feel like Im loosing it sometimes. Idk what Im going to do if I loose all three.
My mother will by far be the hardest for me, but it seems she will be going first. I dont know how to prepare for this its very hard right now. Our relationship hasnt been the greatest in the last 7 years or so due to her being a alcoholic my whole life, and just when it seemed I had some hope at fixing that, I get the news that shes dying inside..I cant seem to stop crying and everytime I hear her voice I just cry, I cant help but think about this everytime we speak. Im not ready for this, Im not ready for her to leave me, Im just not ready… I dont wanna have to remimber what she looks like, I wanna see her, I dont want to have to remember what she sounds like, I wanna hear her, I dont want to have to remember what she feels like, I want to touch her. I cant do this.
Blog 2: 2/1/10
Well today I got the news I couldve gone my whole life without hearing.
Its hard, its really hard, but I know I have to stay postive for her and myself. My mother and I need as many prayers as we can get right now. I want to say thank you to those of you that have allready said youd pray and say thank you those of you who will. Im going to need it.
Today my mother told me that shes in Stage 4 of Lung Cancer, which is the last Stage :(
They told her she has 1 year at most if she doesnt take the treatment or if the treatment doesnt work. And 4 years at most if it does work. Its in-operable, which means they cant remove it, so this is what we have to rely on.
This news is something I never wanted to hear and Im scared, I couldnt imagine being without her allready. Nor would I have ever thought this would even be happening right now. I havent even had the chance to have babies yet or give her the grandchildren she wants to have. And what if it takes 6 months for me to get pregnant, when they arrive she may have allready gone to be with God. I know she would still see them, but it wouldnt the same. I cant imagine, this is so hard. Im drained emotionally, physically, and mentally with this. I cant eat, sleep, think, anything. Im hopeing for the best but at the same time I have to prepare for the worst. I hate this. Ive been praying and this still happens..And Why? Why her, why me? Why now? Not that it would ever be easier in that since but I never wouldve imagined this happening at 20 for me and 47 for her.
Ive just got to keep telling myself shes a very strong woman and she’ll make it. And I hope and pray that she fights like hell..and that she doesnt give up.
But Im all emotional agian, I dont think Ill ever be able to write everything like I want to but Ill try agian later. :(
Please pray for her. Please.
I love you Mom, more than anything…
Blog 3: 2/10/10
This is getting really hard, so yesterday I found out that not only does my mother have Lung cancer at this point but it has gotten into her blood and passed to her neck, groin, and Brain. The doctors changed her expected time left from 1-3 years to 2 months to a year.. I dont know what to do at this point everythings happening so fast, I go from thinkin I have a year to say and do all the things I wanted to possibly doing it before April. Which you all know is only a few weeks after my wedding day and my 21st birthday.. Im fortunate for her to see those things, but at the same time theres so much more I want her to see, I want her to see me be pregnant, have babies, I want her to spoil them rotten and be there when they want to see Mama, I dont want to show them pictures and cry because shes not around and b.c of how I wanted her to see them so badly..Even though I guess she will see them no matter what she will always watch over me but it wont be the same. Its hard to see people treat their mothers so badly and have them around when mines dying.. Its hard to think that I might not be able to call her when I accomplish things, I might not be able to call her for advice when I need it, I might not be able to share motherly things with her.. Like I want her to be the first to know that Im having a child when I read the positive results, I want to laugh with her about how my kids are going to be just like me and the times we shared as a mother and daughter. Its hard to think that my time with her is being cut short. I wonder if she knows how much I truley love her, does she know that Id give her my life if I could, that I would give my right lung to replace hers, that I would give my last breath so she could have just one more. Does she know that I appreciated her, that I am thankful she was there when I needed her, that I want nothing more than to die before her so I dont have to watch her do it. Does she know that Id take all the pain in the world so she didnt have to hurt? I just wonder, I dont want her to go, but at the same time I dont want her to suffer, if dying takes the pain away then Id let her, even though I dont want to be alone. Im not ready for this but I guess no one ever is.. I always want one more day. One more day to hug her, one more day to kiss her, one more day to tell her how much I love her.. no matter what I guess Id always want that. Its just ripping my heart out. Im so mad at god for trying to take her from me..I guess in the way that he is, she doesnt deserve to go through this.. What did she do wrong for her life to end in such an awful painful way? Why couldnt he make it quick and painless so she didnt have to watch herself waste away knowing theres nothing she can do to stop it or heal our pain. Why couldnt he do it a different way, I dont like crying myself to sleep at night knowing that shes holding on for me and that if I just said it was okay she could let go? Im so scared of whats happening to her, I cant imagine how she feels when she sees me cry and when she thinks about how Im crying for her and how she feels when she knows she had to leave me behind and she doesnt want to. Neither of us thought this would happen or at least so fast… Why? I guess thats my question. I just want to lay down and die with her so we dont have to be apart, I dont want her to be without me and I dont want to be without her, Id give my life for hers anyday…
Blog 4: 2/13/10
Well the last 3 days have been really rough for me. I spent Thursday night with my mother, She really needs me right now. Although its very hard to see her in this condition. I never really thought I would be doing this right now, but I know I have to.. Its time for me to show her how much I love her by returning the favor and taking care of her from this point on to repay her for all the things she did for me. I dont mind it at all its just rough. I hate seeing her be weak, unable to provide for herself, and have to depend on me. But at the same time it makes me feel good because I know she needs me and I know Im helping her be comfortable during this devistating time.
The other night I felt better because I had the oppurtunity to read her my previous blogs and share with her my feelings without completely breaking down, it seems its easier for me to read her my thoughts rather than getting caught up in the moment and having to stop due to being upset. It let me let her know how I feel and it made her feel better too. Although we both broke down when she told me all the things she wanted to do with me and everyone else before she goes to be in heaven. Mostly because I dont think she will get to accomplish those things and that alone kills me inside. I see her pain, and I see her want to do these things, and seeing her cry because she knows she cant rips my heart out.
It kills me to hear her say she will see my kids from heaven because she knows she wont be able to hold them or see them grow here on earth.. It kills me to know that she wont be in the waiting room when I give birth or be there to see me do it. Its kills me to hear her say she doesnt know if she will be able to see me walk down the isle to get married next month. And I really dont know how Im going to do that at this point. Im afriad Im going to get half way down the isle and drop to my knees crying because shes not there. I feel like Im loosing everything when I should be happy. Im not happy, Im so far from it. Idk what to do.
Everytime I see her pictures I think about how she was so beautiful and how she doesnt look like herself anymore, Im sad becuase her lung cancer has taken her voice away and Im not going to hear it like it was before anymore. Im afraid Im going to forget what she sounds like and what she looked like before this happend. Im afriad Im going to forget so much. Im afriad Im not going to remember the small things she did like how she used to scratch my back at night, she tryed so hard to do that the otherday and I just cryed. She put every lil bit of energy she had into it, for me. Im afraid Im going to forget how she smelled and how her hair looked before now. Im afriad of alot of things.
I cry myself to sleep everynight when Im not with her and I wake up crying for her. I dont know how to do this. Its so hard, and Im afriad Im going to go insane. I cant sleep at night, I cant work, I cant do anything.. All I can do is be there for her and it takes everything in me to not breakdown while Im there, but I knw it would just make her sad. And I want her be happy, nothing but happy while shes still here. But inside Im screaming, Im sick, and so far from okay its not funny. I dont wanna be with Donald, I dont wanna be with friends, I just wanna be with her. And Donald and them dont deserve that, but I dont know how to fix it. Im depressed…Im literally lossing my mind. I cant concentarate, I find myself stareing into space all the time my mind is in 39848 different places at once. And no matter what anyone says NOTHING in life EVER prepares you for this. Other family members can passaway and go and its sad and you cry, and your grieve for them.. but parents.. Thats a totally different ball park. Id rather see everyone else go all over again than to see her go…And thats all I can do is watch. I have to watch her die, I dont wish that on my worset enemy. Watching her die is by far the most devistating, awful, terrifying thing in the world.
And to any of you out there that dont have good relationships with your mothers, make it better now, dont waste anytime.. Make it better, trust me, your regret if you dont. I never EVER imagined this would happen, and many of you may not either. But take it from me, cherish your time, cherish your mothers. Let them know what they mean to you before its to late. ID give ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING to start over and do things right.Theres so many things I cant do now, so many things I wanted.. And I dont have option anymore. Just broken dreams. So please, dont take them for granted. You never what could happen tommorow. And for me one day soon tommorows never going happen agian. Theres not going to be anymore ”okay I love you mom I’ll see you tommorow“‘s or I’ll call you tommorow“‘s. One day Im going to say that and shes not going wake up. And it’ll be my last. And Im going to wonder if I did everything right the day before, if I gave her enough kisses goodbye, or if I said I love you enough or if I held her tight enough or If i mafe her last day perfect enough for her… So always ask yourself “what if tommorow never comes?.. Would she know how much I loved her?”
But I g2g agian. Im to upset.
Blog 5: 2/19/10
Well as many of you have seen on my Status’ Ive been spending alot of time in the Hospital with Mommy. Sunday will mark 2 weeks since shes been there. Shes been doing about as good as she can. Although its not good at all. I hate seeing her in this condition its really hard, but shes fighting to pull threw until the wedding in 29 days. After that she says theres no garentees. Which is hard, but I know that when she goes she wont suffer or be in pain anymore, and I know I will feel some sort of reliefe when it happens. Because I see that its getting harder and harder for her to eat and she gets choked alot, but she trys her hardest she doesnt want to give up. Her breathing is getting worse but shes doing treatments for that.. Shes lost about 25lbs in 3 weeks and thats hard to watch, but her body is weak. Shes becoming more and more limited in what she can do. It seems the short walk to the restroom is too much at times. I help her with everything though, and Im happy that I can be there to repay her for everything she did for me. I havent been breaking down nearly as much, as time goes by I think Im slowing accepting the fact that her life here on earth is fading. But I know she will live on threw me. Its hard to think of all the things shes going to miss, but I know she will still see it, she will be my angel guiding me threw this life God has planned for me. At times I think Im too weak to do this, but my Mommy raised me to be a strong woman and I know that Ive gotta get threw this and show her that her hard work payed off. Shes very proud of me and I am proud of her, shes a recovered alcholic and drug addict and seeing her overcome her stepping stones was great although I wish that once she had done that god wouldve given her more time to live the sober life, rather than taking life away, but God has his reasons and Im slowly accepting them, although I know this will never be easy, I will cry, I will greive, I will break down, I will have my times, but I know she would want me to be happy, and just remember the good times. So thats my main goal. Shes grateful for my soon to be Husband Donald, she adores him and he truley has been a blessing to me. I honestly dont know what I would do if I didnt have him there to pick me up when I fall or break down. Hes an amazing man that not everyone gets the oppurtunity to have and I do. God put us together a reason and I think that reason was mommy, I think God knew I was going to need someone like him to help me threw these times. He was there when I lost my Stepdad in May, He was there when my last relationship w/David got the best of me, and he will be there for Mom, and I know he will be there till the day I take my last breath. Im so thankful that God has brought him to me, I love him more and more everyday.. Hes been my stregnth, my sholder to cry on, my hope, my everything.
Back onto Mom, shes deffinitly my Hero, And I want all of you out there that may not have good relationships with your mother, to take a moment to think about how youd feel in my shoes, Im watching my mother die and I never thought this would happen to me. I regret alot of things, but it happens to the best of us. I think back to all the times I didnt treat her the way I shouldve and I think of all the times I couldve been there more and I wasnt, its hard to deal with. And I think people should take this and realize what “could” happen, They can go at anytime, dont leave yourself wondering if you did everything you could have, or shouldve done. Its the most painful thing. So dont waste time. Give everyday your all, like tommorow wont come, live everyday as if youd die tonight, let them know how you feel, forgive, and move forward. Dont wait until you have too, otherwise you’ll be missarable
And please keep Mom in your prayers. Thank you in advance.
Blog 6: 2/22/10 (Morning/Mid-Day)
Today I woke at 2:30am to go to the hospital to see my Mommy.. When I got there she was unresponsive for the most part and didnt recognize many people. I was scared to death and dropped to my knees at the sight. She had a machine helping her breath and I thought it was going to be over then.. When she did come too she was very aggitated and trying to pull out her cathater and IV’s…At that point she was strapped down.. Which was horrible to watch.. She just kept saying “stop” “please stop” ”leave me alone” and didnt want anyone around.. This alone was very painful for me. I didnt want to leave her, but I respected her wishes at the time. She went to sleep around 5 and shortly after at 7am I returned home to get some rest. She came too around 9am and was very alert and wasnt being aggressive anymore. She was asking for me.. So at 11:30am I got another call that I needed to come say my goodbyes to her..And the reason she was so irratable and out of it earlier that moring was becase her Left Lung had collapsed and she wasnt getting enough oxygen for her brain to function properly. When I got to the hospital everyone was there (Me, Donald, Mama, Bubbie, Faith, David, and Ceila) She was alert but in alot of pain and crying.. so we cryed together for a little bit and I told her that I loved her very much and that I would be there for her for everything and that it was okay for her to let go. Which were probably the hardest words but I know that they made her feel better.. She was very tired..So once she fell asleep I returned home agian, and decided to write this update..I just got another call that they are moving her to Hospice as I write this..She will be at Hubbard House in Charleston. So Ive got to go back very soon. But in Hospice I was told that she will most likely be unresponsive but yet comfortable. They dont want her to feel any pain at all and nor do I. She never deserved this, and I will be thankful when the good lord takes her in his arms and carries her to heaven where she will be happy, in no pain, and with her Daddy and others who have passed away that she loved.. She is fading faster and faster each day.. And its hard to watch.. Her breathing is shallow and with her right lung being all she has its difficult for her to get the oxygen she needs, shes suffering and I dont want that for her. She deserves so much better. Not to mention her Right lung is full of tumors making it more harder on her. Im not ready to let go yet, but I know I have to and I have to let her know that Im going to be okay. Even though at times I may not be. I asked the good lord to give her 25 more days to see my Wedding but I guess I didnt do it in time. And thats really hard for me, especially because I know how much she wanted to see me get married. She wanted that more than anything, But I know she will see it. I wanted that more than anything too. It breaks my heart to pieces but I wouldnt want her to suffer trying to make it. If shes ready Im ready. But I just got the call I have to go.. More later. Please pray god takes her peacefully.. :(
Blog 7: 2/22/10 (night)
Well its been a very very very rough past 24 hours. I posted a blog earlier about this morning.. And I believe at the end I said I had to go I got the call that she had made it to the Hospice House.. and I ended my last post..
Shortly after Daddy called and I was just telling him how I wanted to go tell her that I loved her one more time before they drugged her up and that I would call him and tell him how it went when I got time.. I left the house at about 7:30pm.. But when I arrived there at 7:54 I got the news that she was already gone.. She had passed about 15mins before I got there…
I cant explain the feelings that went threw my body, nothing ever prepares you for that news.. At first I just sat there and stared off for about 2 mins while it sank in, then I hyperventalated shortly after, and then I threw up for 5 mins. My body shook uncontrollably, I cryed, I couldnt breathe, I practically fell out of my car if it wasnt for Donald I wouldve, and finally after about 10 mins I had the strength to walk in.
When I got to the hallway, I didnt know which room to go to, but had a feeling and just walked where my heart told me too and sure enough I found her. Walking in and seeing her body was indescribable.. I just sat down beside the bed, grabed her hand, and cryed until I couldnt cry anymore.. I looked at her face, her hands, her nails & remembered how I had painted them just days before, I gently removed her earrings, kissed her forehead one last time, told her I loved her and walked away.
That was probably one of the hardest things in this whole world, but I know she loved me and I know she knew I loved her more than anything. Im glad she went peaceful but Im sad she had to go at all. I will miss her forever, And I love her forever. I will remember her everyday. Think about her everyday…
I cant help but thank about all the things I wanted all the things I’ll never have, She wont be here to watch her little girl marry one of the guys she loved most. She wont see her grandbabies, she wont hold her grandbabies.. I wanted that more than anything. I wanted her to see me do those things and now.. Its all gone.. I dont know how these next few days will turn out.. Its going to be hard to plan a wedding and a funeral. But Ive got to stay strong, keep my head up, and show her that her hard work raising me payed off. I know she was proud of me in so many ways, and I was prouf her.
I wish God couldve given me a few more days, but God has plans for her in heaven now and she will be my angel. I know she will watch over me and guide me threw my life, Im just going to miss her..
I LOVE YOU MOMMY forever and always. Rest in Peace <3
That was the end of my blogs.. :/
Chicken & Mushroom Alfredo Recipe
Chicken & Mushroom Alfredo Recipe
This is a personal favorite of mine, I love to serve this when I am
in the mood for Alfredo or pasta. I like to use angel hair pasta instead
of the traditional fettuccine noodles.
Cook Time
Prep time:5 min
Cook time:5 min
Ready in:10 min
Yields: Serves 4-5 people
Ingredients
- 1 box Angel Hair or Fettuccine Noodles
- 1 can Chicken
- 1 can Mushrooms
- 1 jar/can Alfredo Sauce
- Cook Pasta you choose to desired tenderness
- Combine Alfredo Sauce, Chicken, and mushrooms in a 2qt saucepan. Heat till desired temperature. Stirring frequently to avoid burning or scorching.
- Pour sauce over noodles, stir till thoroughly mixed.
- Enjoy! *Refrigerate any leftovers.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Well, I guess Im going to write a little about what I am doing with my life right now.
I know a lot of you follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites and that a lot of you know or heard of me because of Leah. And that you probably know the majority of the things Im about to write about, but some of it you dont. So0o here goes.
I am about to turn 24 on March 18th. Im pretty excited about that. But sometimes I look back and Im honestly just shocked at how fast everything is happening in life for me.
I look back at when I was 18 and I couldnt wait to be 21.. Or even when I was 16 and couldnt wait to just be 18.. Where did all that time go.. Its been 6-8 years now.
Back then mom was still alive too, I miss her everyday and I wonder what she would be doing if she was still here. And if she would be proud of me. Which Im sure she would... maybe not about everything but for the most part.
Anyways though, Im about to be 24. And at this time in my life. Im finally concentrating on me, myself, and I. Im not trying to be in a relationship for once. As many of you know, Ive already been Married and Divorced and in another serious, but failed relationship after that with Cory Dodds. And now that Im finally Single for once, I think Im just going to enjoy it. Why not right?
I already got my Associates Degree & Im about to be working on my Bacholers Degree, so really in all honestly, I dont have time for anything like that, I mean unless of course its going to be worth it. AND good luck on proving that to me guys, I think Im pretty gaurded right now lmfao.
As for my other plans right now, I hope to start fixing my relationships with my family and friends. I know to them "Im never around anymore" but its not that I dont want to be. Ive just been depressed for a while and Im just now bouncing back. And before that, well, if you really know me, you know why I wasnt around. And despite the reasons, Im sorry. I do love you all and I plan on starting to work on things and being more sociable.
Im also looking for a part-time job. Actually thinking about selling Scentsy.. Alot of people around here and online seem to like it so maybe that will be something I can do and be successful at for right now. At least while Im back in school. As long as I can make enough to support myself right now I'll be fine, I dont need a great paying job right now or a job with lots of hours. I just need to be okay and I think I will be. I used to sell Avon and that worked pretty well for a little while if I stuck too it, but I had to have a greedy nieghbor rip me off and not pay me for over $200 worth of merchandise while I didnt have the money myself to cover it and I had to stop selling. *ADVICE - Never EVER trust someone enough to give them thier order before being paid for it, EVEN if they have paid you on time in the past. Because there is ALWAYS a chance they WONT the one time you try to be nice.* But nevertheless, if I cant do scentsy, I have a few outside of my home jobs lined up, but I think it will be for 20 hours or less a week as College (Even though its at home on my Computer) will take up a lot of my time, thoughts, and concentration.
Other than that I dont really know what else to tell you all right now, if you want to know anything specific or to talk to me about something, leave a comment and I will try to reply when I see it. Thanks & I hope all of you are doing well :) Have a great week!
Love, Amy LaDawn <3
Teen Mom 2 - What people say about it.
TeenMom2 - My thoughts on what people say about it.
Of course most of you all know, I'm personally friends with Leah Calvert, formerly Leah Messer & have been for about 3 or so years. But Im not basing what Im about to write on our friendship or my personal involvement with the show. Yes, Ive been on it and yes I know a lot about its production, but Im basing this on my thoughts even before I was involved or knew Leah. Cause personally, I watched Teen Mom & 16 and Pregnant with the original girls before I even knew Leah.
Over the course of the show I have heard MANY things both Positive and Negative. Some things I can relate too, some things just make me want to slap people. I mean come on now, YOU obviously WATCH it, if it was SO BAD you wouldn't right? Yeah, so to all the critics, shut up already. Its a TV show. AND Yes it features TEEN MOM's. Get over it.
My main argument is about the fact that many people say "Oh it just encourages TEEN PREGNANCY".. NO it doesn't, And if there's a TEEN getting pregnant to be on the SHOW, that's not from encouragement, that's from STUPIDITY. Point blank.
The purpose of the show is to show the struggles of the Teen Moms featured, and it does just that.
I'm sure over the last few years we've all seen plenty of fights between the families and friends on the show, relationship struggles between the parents and the teens who had the child(ren), and plenty of divorce/breakups. I don't think ANY of the relationships or stories have portrayed a "Fairy Tale Teen Pregnancy" ending.. So tell me, what part of that screams "Hey GET pregnant" like some of you say it does.. ? Oh wait..None of it.
We've also seen plenty of struggles with the teen moms completing and/or furthering thier education.. Most of them DID not graduate, they got a GED and some of them didnt even get that? Does that scream GET PREGNANT? No..
The ONLY thing that could possibly EVEN make these teens who are watching the show want to be pregnant IS the CHILDREN born to the Teen Moms, but YOUR child should be raised to know that a BABY doesn't mean happiness & maybe YOU as the parent should figure out what VOID your child is trying to fill with a CHILD if they are even thinking about a BABY as a TEEN.
Not to be mean, but the children on Teen Mom or Teen Mom 2, were in fact accidents or surprises.. They WEREN'T planned.. So if your TEEN is planning one, the problem probably lies within YOU as the parent, NOT the TV show.
My second argument is that some of you say that it is because these girls are PAID while on MTV, that the financial aspect of it is what causes the teens to get pregnant to be on the show... No, its NOT.. & NEWS FLASH, the wages they get are NOT even close to enough to pay for a child for the rest of thier life.
Yes, they are paid to be on the show, BUT the girls of TEEN MOM & TEEN MOM 2 started out getting $5000 & thats it for the whole 16 & Pregnant episode they did and they were FINE with that and happy... And they did NOT know the amount of money or even popularity they would get in the future... Therefore, my point is they DIDNT do it for money.. (Some of the newer girls might have but not Maci, Farrah, Catelynn, Leah, Jenelle, Chelsea, or Kail.)
And also Id like to say that the amount of money for the show SHOULD not make teens WANT to get pregnant regardless.
The girls are only paid because of what they GO through during and after being on TV. As a viewer/outsider, you have NO idea what REALLY happens to these girls, you aren't there..&& I'm sure most of you who say the negative things think its all gum drops and butterflies, WELL its NOT.
They actually deal with a lot of criticism and negativity from people like you and it actually affects them mentally, even though you probably wouldn't think so.. The people like me who actually know them understand that though and have to tell them its okay and to ignore it, but inside they cant. Nor would you be able to if you had the whole US and other country's judging you when you were only trying to help stop the same situation you were placed in by accident or lack of better judgement. Its not that these girls said "Oh Ill get pregnant and get a TV show" when it started, They were scared to death like any other Teen would or SHOULD be. They are just your average girls. They aren't the presidents daughter or some rock stars daughter.. They are born to PARENTS just like you or your parents. And they will admit, this life they live now..Its not FUN.
But because they opened their doors to cameras to try and HELP lower the teen pregnancy rate, NOW they have to deal with so much more then you could imagine.. Yeah some opportunity they have gotten may be nice, but its NOT what it seems. And personally I think they deserve the money.
Anyhow though, enough about that. Back to the whole encouraging Teen Pregnancy issue I talked about before. I think everyone needs to realize that Teen Pregnancy has always been a problem with or without the MTV show. And I think its horrible that JUST BECAUSE theres a show about it now, that that TV show gets the blame for it from now on.. Look at all the other Teen Pregnancy's before these girls were ever known, NO TV show caused those pregnancy's, so WHY do we blame MTV now and/or ridicule the girls featured on the show for it. Its ridiculous.
I think PARENTS need to be talking to their kids more instead of placing blame on the show, and they also need to start being more proactive and providing the needed things to prevent it..
Honestly, I think the show is a GATEWAY to get to your Teens.. If they are watching it.. You could simply walk in the room, sit down, and ask for their opinion on it.. BAM the conversation is STARTED, at which point you could then talk about your feelings and the ways you and your teen plan to make sure it doesn't happen to them. Right? Yeah, I think so.
So for all the people out there who look at this in a bad light, please be open to it, think about all the aspects, NOT just the fact its a show with Teen Moms.. Think about WHY its a show, its objective, the lives of the girls on it, what they wanted to help make known and prevent.. Not just be negative.
I'm done ranting but those are my thoughts. Thanks for reading.. I will write more later on about Teen Mom, maybe even a little something about Leah & her children. I may even do updates about the other girls or some of the positive things.
For now though, follow me and keep looking for more articles by me.
Love, Amy LaDawn :)
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